Where There Are No Trees
Sometimes, a barren landscape offers more comfort than the canopy of the forest.
I’m not going outside again. I can’t look at the trees anymore. Mama tries to make me go to school every day, but I’ve told her I’m not going outside and I mean it.
Lizzy takes the lunch Mama packs in the morning and goes out to the church at the end of the road to wait for the bus, but I sit in bed with Davy while Mama tries to talk to me and I stay there until she has to leave for work. She cries while she’s telling me I absolutely have to go to school, or else I won’t pass third grade. I told her I don’t mind going to school, I’m just not going outside again, not until I’m grown like Daddy and can drive his truck to Asheville and take a plane to the Arctic and live on the tundra because there are no trees there. But until I’m big enough, I’m not going outside again. I’m not going outside and Mama is too afraid to make me, so I will never go to school again and that is just the facts of life.
Last week at church, Daddy went down to the altar at the end of service. Daddy is saved, so I don’t know why he would go to the altar unless he needed to pray really, really hard or needed to ask forgiveness. Daddy takes us to the church at the end of the road most Wednesday nights. Lizzy puts on her purple dress with the paint stains from VBS crafts and Daddy checks my shirt for holes before we leave. Lizzy holds Daddy’s hand and I walk down our dusty road right behind him while Lizzy asks almost a million times will he let her go fishing in the cemetery tonight. I just shake my head, because I know the difference between VBS and normal Wednesday nights and Lizzy is too little to understand that we can’t do VBS games in February.
I like going to church because the lady who sits in front of us gives me and Lizzy Smarties right before preaching starts. I always read the shaped notes in the church hymnal and think about how they stand for the songs we sing and how that must be the shape our mouths are supposed to be making if we’re singing right. Sometimes before I fall asleep I think about sneaking into church and playing the piano they have up front and then I can fall asleep without thinking about going outside.
Mama doesn’t go to church with us because at her old church someone hurt her bad. I asked Daddy once who it was and he said it was no one at the church at the end of our road, so I don’t understand why she won’t go with us. Sometimes when we leave without her I think it makes Daddy sad. Daddy loves Mama. He calls her his firecracker, which I think is smart because her hair is very, very red and she loves the Fourth of July. Daddy has blond hair like me. I also have his nose. But Lizzy looks like Mama, which is good because that way we are all even.
When he tucked me in that night, I told him I would pray for him too if that was okay. He put his hand on my head and said he was proud of me, his little whippersnapper.
When Daddy went down to the altar last week, I wanted to go with him but Lizzy was too scared to be left alone. I let her sit in my lap and touch my hair until Daddy came back. Lots of the men Daddy talks to outside after church went up to the altar and put their hands on him and prayed for him. So did the lady who sits in front of us. Daddy looked like he was crying when he stood up, but he looked better once he came back to our pew and Lizzy put her big, fat arms around his leg. All the way home, he held Lizzy with one arm and I let him hold my hand too so I could see his face. Lizzy was putting her hands all over his beard like she was petting Davy and Daddy was laughing at her. When he tucked me in that night, I told him I would pray for him too if that was okay. He put his hand on my head and said he was proud of me, his little whippersnapper. I prayed until I heard God’s voice really big inside my head telling me he’d take care of Daddy and that everything was going to be all right.
This morning Lizzy didn’t want to leave for school without me. She was lying in bed beside me holding Davy and looking at me when I woke up. When she saw my eyes open, she sat up and asked me to read to her. Lizzy wants more than anything in the world to learn how to read, but when she went to kindergarten, they told Mama and Daddy that her brain somehow mixes up the letters when she sees them, so it’s taking her an awful long time to learn. I sat up and started reading the book I’ve been keeping on my nightstand. It’s the one Daddy reads to me most nights, and it is about a boy who lives on the Arctic tundra where it snows every day and there are no trees. Lizzy loves it because she was born on the first day of winter and she wishes it snowed every one of her birthdays. I was almost finished reading when Mama came into our room and asked why Lizzy wasn’t dressed. Lizzy started crying and said she wanted to stay at home with me and Davy. Mama said that at least one of her youngins had to be in school or else the law would be called on our only parent and they would put her and jail and then what would we do.
All Lizzy did was sit in my bed and hold Davy’s head up to her face so she could cry into his fur. Mama stood in the doorway and cried and cried until I couldn’t stand it. I told Lizzy that if she would go to school, she could wear her purple VBS dress, which is her favorite even though it has paint stains. She let me help her put her dress on, and when I finally got it buttoned, she looked up at me and asked why Daddy wouldn’t come home and I told her he just couldn’t. She asked me why not and I told her it was because he was too sad and needed to spend lots and lots of time with God. While Mama was putting her backpack on her, Mama looked right at me and said she hated God because if he was nice at all he would tell Daddy to come home. Now I’m scared because Lizzy cannot go to heaven with me and Daddy if she hates God. I almost understand why she said it, but I am trying to love God even in the hard times, even if that means I can’t go outside ever again.
Tonight the lady who gives us Smarties at church came to see us. Mama made dinner and told us that we needed to be nice to Miss Darlene and speak to her when she spoke to us. She said that she didn’t want a lady she didn’t know coming to the house either, but that we had to be friendly to folks who were friendly to us, especially now. Miss Darlene smiled really, really big at me and Lizzy and hugged us both. I thought she was crying when she hugged me, but she looked okay when she had ahold of Lizzy. Mama had made chicken casserole which is Daddy and I’s favorite and Miss Darlene seemed to like it too. After we finished eating, Mama started washing dishes and Miss Darlene kept talking to us. She asked us how we were feeling. Lizzy just wanted her to read the book I’d started that morning, and so she did. I sat there listening to her talk about the tundra and I thought about the day I’d get in a plane and not look down until we were over the ocean and everything was blue. Lizzy ran her hand over Miss Darlene’s frizzy hair and Miss Darlene just smiled at me while she read about the only place in the world where I know there are no trees. When she got done reading, Mama told Lizzy it was time for bed and Lizzy didn’t even cry. I took Lizzy to the bedroom so she could change into her nightgown and once I had tucked her in, I closed her door quiet and stood for a second outside before I went back into the kitchen. Miss Darlene was talking quiet to Mama.
“Samuel and Elizabeth are such sweet children, Mrs. Gosnell. You should be very proud.” Mama didn’t say nothing and I kept standing in the hall.
“Mrs. Gosnell, your children are going to need you if they’re going to make it through this. I think you know that. Elizabeth is obviously suffering a great deal, and Samuel is only able to put a damper on his feelings because of his worry for his sister. They’re both far too young to be dealing with this pain alone. Now, I understand how you feel, but there are…”
I felt my hands shaking, so I dug my fingers into Davy’s soft fur. I am going to take Lizzy and we are going to leave this house.
“You don’t understand anything.” Mama’s voice was loud. Loud and unmistakable, like the fireworks we watch at the fire department on the fourth of July. Miss Darlene didn’t say anything for a minute, and when she did, it was even quieter than before.
“You’re right. I can’t understand what you’re feeling. But I do understand that you’re blaming yourself for this and…”
“I don’t blame myself. It was Dennis who stormed out of here without even saying goodbye to his youngins. It was Dennis who tied that rope. It was Dennis who couldn’t even take his goddamn, lousy self out of the yard so his own boy didn’t have to see…”
I opened the door to Lizzy’s room again and closed the door so it was dark again. I could hear Lizzy sniffling under the covers, whimpering and saying Davy’s name over and over again. I picked him up from below my feet and walked over to the bed. Lizzy took Davy from me. I laid down beside her.
“Sammy?”
“I’m here, Lizzy. It’s okay.”
She started crying again. “I wish God would give Daddy back.”
I felt my hands shaking, so I dug my fingers into Davy’s soft fur. I am going to take Lizzy and we are going to leave this house.
“Daddy needs to spend some time with God, Lizzy. God didn’t make Daddy spend time with him.”
I am going to take Lizzy to the tundra, where I know there are no trees and it will snow on every one of her birthdays no matter what. I am going to take her there, and we will meet Daddy there. It never happened, so she will be able to talk to God like she used to and can love him again.
“Sammy?”
“I’m here, Lizzy.”
“Will you wake me up when Daddy comes back? I’m going to sleep as long as I can, and promise you only wake me up when Daddy is home.”
Lizzy and I are going to live on the tundra, where I know Daddy is still alive because he couldn’t find a tree to use. There are no trees at all. One day we will call Mama and ask her to come live with us, once Daddy has spent enough time with God and Mama doesn’t make him cry anymore. Daddy will call me his little whippersnapper and will tell Lizzy that the days just got brighter and brighter after she was born. We will watch it snow every day. I will never see another tree again.
“I’ll wake you up, Lizzy. Promise.”
About the author
Grace Buckner is a writer from a small community in the mountains of North Carolina. She is currently a graduate student at Appalachian State University. Her work has previously appeared in Reckon Review and The Peel Review.
- Grace Bucknerhttps://www.salvationsouth.com/author/grace-buckner/
