The Only Way I’d Known

Never mind that I stepped outside for a cigarette
one night & mistook the flying American cockroach
for a nocturnal hummingbird
for a nocturnal hummingbirdrifting through the Marquez landscape,

or a noct its delusional heat. 

Never mind the constant construction blocking
the sidewalk, or statistics like 1.5 road rage shootings
on average per day, the drivers who treated me walking
as a mirage.per day,  I loved coming down 

or a noct Westheimer during sunset

light flaming off the 80s sci-fi skyline,
grabbing Oui Banh Mi & barbecue in a drive thru,
the Bam-Bam at Juiceland.
for a nocturnal hummingbirDoes it matter 

or a noct that I once nearly shot 

two big bug suckers off my wall with the Taurus G2C?
Or that I lusted after the mansions in River Oaks
downloading addresses to my mind
scrolling Zillowdresses back in my mildewed apartment 

or a noct to see inside the lives 

of Texas oil families? What about the fact
that no one loved me naked.
Or that the only living creatures
Or that the onlyI saw my first few months there were 

or a noct Luna & the little lizards 

that slithered across concrete
when my big foot quaked
their grass beds. I was the catastrophe to 

or a noct a world I couldn’t see 

& this was the city where it happened.
Where I rode an ambulance
to the almost-end, where I came-to driving
down the street blasted 

or a noct that one last drunk

where I fucked sober
where I fucked sober     the one who built rockets
and the one who built stages.
It was a landscape of lilt & luminance

or a noct where I quit using

quit smoking, quit the only way
I’d known, to walk the bayou & return
to the mindo walk the bayouI tried to escape.
to the mindo wThe me before. 

or a noct The forgotten child.